Are you trying to hold a life raft under water?
When you have a secret in your life, it takes more energy than you might think to hide it. Someone once described it to me like trying to hold a life raft under water. Imagine the energy it would take to do that! We only have so much energy in our lives. We can either use our energy in positive ways or we can use it negatively. One of the negative, and most draining, ways we can use our energy is to maintain a double life. One of the first questions that Sexaholics Anonymous asks is: Do you keep secrets about your sexual or romantic activities from those important to you? Do you lead a double life? It only makes sense that it takes twice the energy to live a double life. To live this way we’ll spend great amounts of our personal power to maintain secrecy and hide things from ourselves and others. This drains us of the power that we need to solve our problems and live happy lives. The energy we spend to hide the negativity in our lives comes at a great cost. Are you you using your energies to keep up a double life of secrecy about your use of pornography or other improper sexual behaviors? Read more
What is a sexual addiction?
In case of a process addiction, the individual experiences a high from chemicals released in to the brain & not from any external source.
At a stage, the mind gets accustomed to the release of these chemicals & it searches out for extended sources of high. Now this can be in any form such as eating, putting oneself in dangerous situation or even from sexual stimuli. Addiction to sex can take several forms such as the use of pornography, masturbation, repeated sexual affairs, voyeurism, extra martial affairs & patronizing prostitutes.
Under extreme cases, addiction to sex can even result in rape, murder or molestation. In most forms of sexual addiction, the behavior is done in secret & the addict becomes an expert in hiding his secret life from others around him. Sexual addiction can be caused due to exposure to porn at a young age. Under these circumstances, the addict keeps up to his habits even after marriage.
A sexual addict tends to affect his personal relationships. The individual experiences a higher sex drive as compared to his partner & when his desires are not met, he rebels in different ways. When denied for favors, a sexual addict stops providing emotional support to his spouse & ultimately damages the relationship. In most cases, the problem results in divorce or bitter feelings among the partners. The sex addict becomes extremely obsessed with meeting his own needs at the expense of those around him. This damages his relationships.
The problem keeps on increasing for a sex addict. He craves for more stimulation & ends up acting out the fantasies that are formed in the mind. The wife becomes an object of sexual gratification in this relationship. The addict does not mind seeking thrills of an increasingly illicit nature.
Sex addicts often deny having a problem & try to blame others for problems or make excuses for their actions.
Some of the behaviors related to sexual addiction include compulsive masturbation, extra marital affairs, having more than one sexual partners, one-night stands, molestation, sexual harassment, rape, voyeurism, obsessive dating through personal ads, use of prostitutes, phone sex, computer or cyber sex, exhibitionism & consistent use of pornography.
Usually, a sex addict gains less satisfaction from the sexual activity & forms no emotional bond with his or her sex partners. Most sex addicts deny their problem. The treatment is provided only when one accepts that he has a problem. In most cases, the addict faces problems such as breakup of relationship, loss of job, health crisis or an arrest. The circumstances often force the addict to admit to his problem.
While undergoing a treatment the individuals is encouraged to lead a healthy lifestyle. The treatment includes education on healthy sexuality, individual counseling, family therapy &/or marital therapy. There are several programs arranged for people with sexual addictions.
In some cases, health care practitioners suggest using medications to treat the disease. Some of the common medications used to treat sexual addiction include Prozac & Anafranil.
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What are your addictive triggers?
Addictive behaviors don’t just happen spontaneously; there are specific causes behind them. We call these addictive triggers. According to Dr. Archibald Hart, an addictive trigger is a “Starting Stimulus” that begins the process that eventually leads us to act out on our addiction. For those who struggle with sexual addictions and compulsions, these triggers can be very subtle. We may wonder why we find ourselves constantly noticing women in the cars next to us when we aren’t even trying to notice anyone, or find ourselves flirting with waitresses or cashiers for unexplained reasons. Without an understanding of the dynamics causing all of this, we will find ourselves being triggered from one episode to another with little or no control over what is happening to us. Triggers differ from person to person and from addictive behavior to addictive behavior. Often the roots of these trigger mechanisms can be traced to experiences we disliked as a child. Here are some common triggers:
- anxiety
- isolation
- boredom
- depression
- crises
- sense of failure
- unmet sexual needs
- criticism
- selfish needs
According to Hart, there are many other possible triggers for addictive behavior. In fact, anything that threatens failure, rejection, or abandonment can become a stimulus for an addiction cycle. Add to this the personality traits of passivity, under-assertiveness, or dependency, and you have a powerful set of addictive triggers. Read more
It’s time for radical amputation!
Here is a statement that may seem radical to some, “It is going to take a miracle for you to be free of porn and sexual compulsions.” Several years ago I probably would have scoffed at anyone who said such a thing; but, after being caught in a serious porn addiction for more than 15 years, I believe I am more than qualified to vouch for the truth of that statement. Quitting porn is a three-way partnership between you, God, and people who are trained to help you. Though there are things you can do, you will not be able to do it all on your own. And other people can’t do it for you. So, how does this three way partnership work? The answer is very simple: We must do all that we can do for ourselves so that God can work his miracles in our lives. The first thing we should do is practice accountability. The next step is radical amputation. Read more
The Pornography User’s Big Blind Spot
I’m very fortunate. I work in a place that doesn’t require all of us to wear a suit and tie. Our code is that you should look nice, be presentable and feel comfortable. The other day I decided to go for it. I wore a nice shirt, tie, coat and slacks. No doubt about it, I looked great. Around noon I discovered something. I had been going from place to place and department to department with my zipper down! I could not help but wonder how many people had seen my predicament and decided to say nothing rather than embarrass me. The same is true about life. All of us have blind spots; the parts of our lives that others can see but we cannot–and some of it can be pretty darn embarrassing. When I was heavily involved in pornography, and all that goes with that affliction, I had a huge blind spot. I couldn’t see it, but those close to me could. Even today I am still coming to terms with just how blind I was. The blindness I am talking about is selfishness. Read more
