Sexual Compulsions and Denial Pt. II
This is the second in a series of Sexual Compulsions and Denial. You may read the first installment here. Denial is defined as the refusal to acknowledge the existence or severity of unpleasant external realities or internal thoughts and feelings. Those of us who have addictions–especially sexual one–are hopelessly caught in denial. We will continue this way until some painful life circumstance causes us to face our problems. Here are five additional things to look for in a person who is caught in denial. If this looks like it might be you, we encourage you to get in touch with someone at the Purity Project right away and seek help.
We are in denial when we think that “no one will ever know.”
Actually, it takes a certain amount of arrogance to think that we can do anything without anyone finding out. It happens all the time and it is a matter of when you get caught–not if you get caught! Employers fire people all the time based upon the websites they visit when they think no one knows. Family members walk in on people viewing porn everyday–and everyday a spouse learns about their cheating partners. Secrets don’t stay secret. Our behaviors betray us. When our attitudes change, people get curious. If we are seen in public–someone knows.
My wife didn’t know exactly what I was doing, until later when I told her everything; but, long before that she was growing tired of my poor attitudes, critical and judgmental nature and inconsiderate behaviors. Many of us in the Purity Project who were caught in our sexual addictions noted that our tendency towards selfishness and self-centered behaviors increased as we participated in our sexual compulsion. So, even though our family members didn’t know specifically what we were doing, they could see the fruit of our addiction and felt the full force of its pain.
Finally, I knew and I knew that God knew everything that was going on. We are fools if we think that God doesn’t care about sexually compulsive behaviors. I know that I rationalized that what I was doing was fantasy and that it was harmless. I even convinced myself that it couldn’t be lust if it was all about fantasy. But that’s just foolishness. God cares very much what you think and fantasize about. Each time I gave into my compulsions, I would have a short lived feeling of goodness followed by much guilt and shame over what I had done. This guilt, in my opinion, was God’s way of telling me that what I was doing was going against what He intended for me.
We are in denial when we think that we can stop on our own.
It would be nice if we could heal ourselves just by deciding to stop. Everybody I know that’s been through this stopped hundreds and thousands of times. The problem was, we couldn’t stay stopped! Perhaps there is someone who is seriously addicted that can do this on their own; but, I have yet to meet them. For those of us who struggle with sexually compulsive behavior or addiction to internet pornography, it is going to take more than a good new year’s resolution to be free. We are going to need the help of other people.
The Purity Project can help you find people who can help you. The AA saying that you are as sick as your secrets is a true one. If you want to be free, you must seek help from someone other than yourself. All of us here at the Purity Project are waiting to help you in anyway that we can.
We are in denial when we think that we can be okay with our addiction.
While I was in the middle of this sexual addiction I had a sister that was addicted to crack. She became so dependent that she became delusional and had hallucinations during her daily life. One day I was called when she was looking banging on her neighbor’s windows as she desperately tried to warn them of the danger’s she could see in her hallucinations. Because her behavior became irrational and she poised a danger to herself and others she had to be committed. I’ll always remember her sadly saying to me, “I don’t know why people can’t just leave me alone. I’m not hurting anybody.” Her denial was so strong that she couldn’t see the harm she was doing to herself, the frustration she had become to her neighbors, the nuisance that she had become when the police had to be called or the concern that all of us had in our family over her sad plight.”
This same story applies to all of us who act out on our sexual compulsions. We can try and convince ourselves that we are okay when we are not. Most of us have become extremely self-centered, deceptive about our time and money and relationships, ignore those who are close to us–or treat them badly, and we become more isolated in our thinking. The evidence is clear. Too many studies have been done that charts the progress of the addict. There is a cycle and the end is never good (read Where are you in the addictive process? for more information). It is never okay to be addicted.
We are in denial when we don’t consider our addiction as harmful to our marriage
Most of us hold to the notion that what we do is okay as long as we aren’t physically cheating on our partners. We join chat rooms for virtual sex, visit strip clubs, and drink in thousands of pictures and videos in a single setting. Somehow we think our partners should be okay with this. Sex to a sexually compulsive person isn’t about sharing intimacy with someone we love–it’s about meeting our wants and needs that can never be filled by what we are doing. As long as we must hide our behaviors, or do them against the wishes of our partners, we cannot claim that what we are doing is being done in the confines of trust within our marriage relationship. Anything we do, innocent or not, that erodes trust is harmful to our relationships. The fact that we feel entitled has nothing to do with it.
When I was actively involved with my addiction, when when I acted with no restraint; I would look at a thousand images at a session and never be satisfied. I would struggle to find the perfect image or video. My attention was totally turned to my wants and needs–which were all based in fantasy. Fantasy, by definition, is outside the realms of reality. Thus, I was insanely out of reality.
Our addiction to internet pornography, strip clubs, multiple sexual partners and so on represent a craving that cannot be filled by the things we are doing anymore than a drug addict or alcoholic can satisfy their cravings with the needle or bottle. This is not what sex in a relationship should be about.
Our goals should be to keep all of our sexual thinking and behavior within the confines of a satisfying marriage relationship. This means that we will not act out seek self-gratification; instead, we will seek to be in a mutually gratifying sexual relationship based in a respectful relationship.
We are in denial if we think we are spiritually okay while we practice a sexual addiction.
We are never more selfish and self-serving than when we are caught in the grip of a sexual addiction. Our actions hurt ourselves and others. We become secretive and deceptive about our time, energy and money. We do things that would bring shame and embarrassment to our spiritual communities. We become the hypocrite claiming to be one thing while practicing another. These are not the behaviors of a spiritual individuals–they are the behaviors of one who has lost their way and has gone off of their path towards a close relationship with God that can bring others to Him.
We can deceive ourselves. Many of the people I know in the Purity Project were ministers, Bible class teachers, and strong church workers. Many of us were very involved with the work of our local churches. We were only fooling ourselves that we were living as we should. We were not; but we were in denial.
In closing, denial is a condition where we deny the harm we are causing ourselves and others while we are involved in unwholesome activities and thinking. None of us is immune to the deceptive powers of denial while we are in the grip of our addiction. To break this grip, we must take an intentional step towards healing. The first step is to admit that we have a problem and to seek help in dealing with it (for more information please read Ten Steps to Healing). Please know that we here at the Purity Project are here to help you and hope you’ll contact us.
