The J Curve of Recovery

Like many people, I thought that once I began recovery work that I would be putting old problems behind me and that the quality of my life would begin improving right away.  I expected a forward and upward progression.   My thinking, were I to graph it, would probably have looked something like this.

At the worst, I imagined that I would probably have only a few minor setbacks—a “two steps forward and one step back sort of thing.”  I knew that I would have to be disciplined and devoted to doing the work—and I was mentally prepared for that.  However, my personal experience, as well as my experience working with numerous other men, has shown me that this isn’t a realistic understanding of the recovery process.  When things didn’t work out the way I thought they would, I felt discouraged and wondered if I had taken yet another wrong turn my road to recovery.  Later I would discover that the family, friends, and wives of the men I worked with began to doubt whether or not their husbands were truly recovering in this early stage.  The purpose of this article is to offer a better explanation of what happens in this early stage of recovery.

In the early part of the recovery process we enter a U shaped pit.

The early part of recovery begins with forward motion, but not the upward motion.  In fact, in the early stages of recovery, we move forward and down!  We are making progress, but the quality of our lives is not getting better. Here’s why.

As a result of some sort of personal crisis, we begin to get the message that “something in our lives must change.”  In some instances, family members have participated in interventions, or sought religious and/or counseling to help drive this point home. This time can be a very emotional one for the person involved, as well as their family and friends.  It is not uncommon for people to report feeling as though they are “in a pit.”  We seek help to relieve the pain.

In my situation, I came to understand that my way of doing things wasn’t working and that my life was on the rocks and crashing about me.  It was easy to see my insanity—doing the same things over and over while expecting a different result.  I came to a point where I ws willing to surrender my way of doing things and sought help.  I began attending recovery meetings, setting good boundaries, and practicing daily accountability.  What I didn’t realize was that these very important things would lead me to the edge of another personal crisis.  It seems the door to recovery requires that we first jump into the pit!

Jumping into the Pit

When we start our recovery, we know that sooner or later we will have to use what we know to solve our problems.  When we start living in different ways, we are not able to use our addictions to relieve stress. Before recovery, whenever I had faced trouble with finances, my spouse, work or other relationships I would tune out and turn to my addiction as an escape.  Once this was no longer an option, I discovered were problems to face that I had long been ignoring. Before long, I was feeling more stress than ever before.  I had not realized that doing the right things would bring this about!  I was now facing problems with little or no idea of how to deal with them.  My quality of life began to go down.

There is a dramatic increase of stress

One of the reasons we turned to our addictions was an inability to satisfactorily resolve a variety of problems and experiences.  When we begin to feel the full emotional force of our problems without our drug of choice, the increased emotional stress places additional stresses on our relationships.  We discover that we need new ways of relating to others. Others have known this all along—but it may be new to us.  Most of the things we try to make things better won’t work because we don’t have enough tools to be successful just yet.  We learn that neither attacking nor avoiding our difficulties or others solves our problems—but we have yet to learn a viable third way of dealing with our trials.  Sadly, it seems we must stay in this pit until we learn, by training or trial and error, new strategies for solving our problems.  This is another reason why recovery meetings are so important.  The meetings help us learn new ways of handling old stresses and fears that overwhelm us.  Of course, the advice of a trusted counselor or spiritual advisor can be extremely helpful during this time as well.

People in the early stages of recovery are not pleasant.

Having worked with numerous people in recovery, as well as experiencing it for myself, I can testify that few people are nastier or more difficult to deal with than those in the early stages of recovery.  They are usually incredibly difficult to deal with—and may be impossible to live with.  In these early stages, most are still living in partial denial; or, they are beginning to understand the full extent of the pain and damage they have caused for themselves and others.  This, in itself, can be a very humiliating and painful process.  Add to this the fact that they have not yet developed the necessary tools to face the problems they have been ignoring and you have an incredibly dramatic and emotionally negative situation.  This can be an especially disheartening situation for our loved ones and friends who hoped to see a rapid turnaround.  The temptation to relapse or quit will be almost overwhelming to some.  There can be physical problems as well.

Some People May Feel Uncomfortable Physical Symptoms

While in this U shaped part of recovery, it is very common to experience feelings of physical withdrawal.  Drug and alcohol users will experience severe craves or worse, depending upon the extremity of their addiction.  Porn addicts will experience physical withdrawal symptoms as well while the numerous nerve pathways begin to deteriorate.  Sexual release soaks the brain with powerful chemicals and endorphins.  A decrease, or sudden withdrawal, of these chemicals creates a chemical withdrawal.

In my own experience, the stress I felt was so overwhelming that I felt compelled to see a doctor for, what I thought, were heart problems.  A similar thing happened to my friend Bob.  He actually believed he was having a heart attack.  Yet another friend of mine, Mike, began to experience panic attacks.  Numerous others of my friends report feelings of anxiety and depression as they go through the early stages of recovery.  Fortunately, these experiences are temporary; and, if one doesn’t give in to the physical discomfort and remains in the recovery process, these feelings will soon pass.  Even though the duration isn’t a long time, it seems like an eternity to those who must experience it.

The Way Out of the Pit

There is no easy way to get out of the pit and no formula to guarantee how short or long this experience will last.  The time can be greatly shortened through counseling, weekly or daily recovery meetings, attention to spiritual matters and learning new problem solving skills.  Behaviors are easier to change than attitudes.  In my own experience with the Purity Project, I have found, that for most men, the best way to get out of the pit is to complete a six-month recovery based course of study.  Celebrate Recovery will spend nearly a year working the steps of their program.  But getting out of the pit is not the same thing as being recovered.

Getting out of the pit does not mean we are recovered!

Once the symptoms of withdrawal are over, new successful strategies of dealing with problems are in place, and basic positive attitudes are adopted, one steps out of the pit rather quickly.  Once out of the pit some mistakenly believe their work is finished.  At this stage, one begins to feel victory over the addictions and compulsions that have long held them back.  New skills at problem solving and positive attitudes begin to reap a positive effect upon relationships.  At this point, there is a temptation, desire, or mistaken belief, that a fully recovery has been made and that one can move on and put the whole negative experience behind them.  This, however, is a fallacy.  If adopted, the person will, most likely, either relapse or fall back into the pit once again.  The forward and upward motion, necessary for lasting recovery, is just beginning once we exit the pit.

The J shaped curve, or real recovery, begins once we exit the pit.

What this means is that once we exit the pit, we are essentially at the same place we began months or years earlier.  However, there is a big difference—we have the tools for success!  We have the ability to rid ourselves of resentments, overcome anger, communicate more effectively and relate better with others.  The forward and upward movement is a time where we put these new skills to work on each of our character defects—which is the next phase of work necessary for our full recovery.