Can Porn Be A Good Thing?
The edge of Light and Dark
Is porn really all that bad?
Is there anything about porn that would make us want to recommend it to others? I spent fifteen years of my life looking at porn in an almost unrestrained fashion. I did what I wanted when I wanted–provided I could sneak around and do it without being caught. If the time I spent with porn had been channeled into formal learning, I suppose I could have learned at least 27 languages and 5 doctorate degrees! I obviously have knowledge and experience on this subject. In the next few paragraphs I’m going to tell you what I thought was positive about porn at the time; and, I’ll tell you what I think about it today–now I’ve had a chance to get it out of my life and think about what was happening to me back then.
I reasoned, “…Porn is a harmless outlet. What’s wrong with a little skin?
At the time I was heavily involved with porn, I, like others, reasoned that porn wasn’t all that serious a problem. I didn’t realize the kind of person I was becoming. You see, it’s not just the porn that was my problem–it’s all the other stuff that goes along with it. It’s the inconsiderate behavior, the lying and deception that we practice as we try and cover our steps. It’s the selfishness we develop as we become more involved with it. Like the alcoholic, it isn’t just the drink, it’s the problems that the drink brings out in us that’s a problem. Pornography is a powerful force that brought out the worst in me. I thought I was a kind hearted guy, but I became more and more angry and resentful person and intolerant to those around me. Does porn do that? Yes it does. Study after study verifies that addictive behaviors are rooted in shame, guilt and anger. The more we escape, the worse it becomes.
Was porn a harmless outlet? Well, I would often be sleep deprived because I would stay up late watching videos and endless computer searches for the perfect image. I probably didn’t work as hard on my job as I would have if I had spent my time more appropriately. I would lie about my behavior to others and would hide material around the house and on family computers. I created a secret life that involved mailboxes, secret email accounts and even a bank account so I could buy things with a credit card. I began to think sexually about every woman I met and couldn’t have a conversation that sex wasn’t in the back of my mind. Does increased porn useage lead to this, or am I just a single case? Well, I can’t speak for everyone, but almost everyone I’ve met in the Purity Project did just as I did and some did even more.
I reasoned: “…Porn can help me have better sex life.”
My thinking went like this, “Seeing other people have sex, will help me learn sexual techniques and approaches that I can use in my own relationship and I’ll become a better lover than I would if I didn’t watch porn.” In other words, I rationalized that my use of porn was actually educational and a benefit to my marriage. (To help me in my educational quest, I must have watched at least ten thousand sexual video scenes as well as thousands upon thousands of pictures!) Did it actually help me have a better sex life? No.
I became even more frustrated with the sexual relationship I was in. My wife was nothing like the women in the videos. My wife did not behave like they did, she didn’t do the sexual acts that they did, she didn’t look like they did and she didn’t seem focused upon me like the women of porn did. I feel in love with fantasy women–not the women I married. What is really sad about all of this, now that I think about it, is that even when I was with my wife, I was doing little more than using my wife for self-gratification. Most of the time I was with her, I fantasized about the porn stars that were burned in my brain. I found it hard to feel attacted to my wife. I was only fooling myself when I thought that I could use my wife in this way and have a close relationship with her. She didn’t sense intimacy or connection when we were together. How could she, my mind was never with her! Over the years I noticed my wife becoming more and more angry and resentful toward me. I was clueless and could not make the connection that what I was doing was making a mockery of our closest moments which contributed to her great emotional pain. Porn did not improve my sex life–it was the ruination of it. You see, porn was “all about me.” Intimacy is supposed to be “all about us!”
I reasoned, “…I need more sex than my wife can give me.”
What can I say? I wanted sex all the time. I could have had sex four or five times a week and multiple times a day. I reasoned that I was just a horn dog with more drive than my wife could handle. Porn became my way of taking care of this “excessive” sexual need. By my thinking, it was a generous thing I was doing by not bothering my wife for more sex than she could give me. Was this true? Perhaps partially.
In any relationship, one person is going to want sex more than the other. It is rare that both are perfectly matched in this regard. If you think about it, equalities exist only in the abstract. By definition, one person will generally want more sex than the other. I have no doubt that in my relationship, I am the partner with the greatest sexual desire. But, now that I’ve had some time to think about it, there were reasons why I “needed” sex so often.
The simple reason was the hyperstimulation that begin to take place in me as I constantly fed the porn into my mind. I was going around in a hypersexualized state. Simply stated, I needed more sex because I was constantly feeding my sexual impulses with an endless stream of visual imagery. This caused me to constantly think and fantasize about sex, which in turn caused a physical response in my body, which in turn created an unbearablel sexual tension, which in turn would drive me to seek ways of acting out. My needs were way outside the bounds of normalcy because I was continuously feeding myself into a hyperstimulated state. Now that I do not feed this impulse through porn, I have found that my wife and my sexual needs are closer matched than I first believed.
A final word about this line of reasoning needs to be said. My wife felt like something was wrong with her because she could not meet my sexual needs. This was a frustration to her and made her feel like giving up completely or “not trying at all.” My needs overwhelmed her. The sad thing that I realize now is, that these were not “true needs” at all. They were needs that were based upon my incessant desire for hyperstimulation. Over time, my actions had a harmful effect upon my wife’s esteem. I fully believe that most women want to fully meet their husband’s sexual needs and it isn’t fair nor right for any of us to overstimulate ourselves to a point where this cannot be done.
I reasoned, “….sometimes you have to take care of your own needs.”
My thinking went like this, “If my wife won’t give me what I need, I’ll just find a way to take care of it myself.” Porn seemed like a perfect outlet. All I had to do was take the time to “take care of business.” Though I could not see it at the time, reasoning like is based in anger, resentment and frustration. My participation in porn was based in negative emotions towards my spouse. Rather than seeking help and working on our problems, I turned to a fantasy world. Did my use of porn take care of my own needs? No.
What I really needed was connection instead of isolation. What I really needed was intimacy, not emotional distance. What I really needed was a mutually respectful relationship, not a self-centered one where my needs become more important to me than the relationship. What I needed was to focus upon solving the things I had been avoiding that was causing me pain in my life instead of using porn to sooth my discomfort like an alcoholic uses booze. What I needed was to understand why I would use porn as an escape instead of avoiding the things in my life that needed fixing.
When I turned to porn, I had physical release, but my problems were still there because my problems were greater than physical needs. The emotional guilt and shame that I felt after porn binges drastically outweighed any physical benefits I received. The emotional wreckage that resulted in my marriage drastically outweighed any physical benefit that I might have received.
I reasoned that “…Porn gives me a rich fantasy life.”
All porn did was to burn images in my head that hypersexualized me and made me impossible to live with. Let’s be honest here. Porn movies are cheaply made and and are bankrupt in plot and devoid of cultural and literary value. People don’t watch these movies because they are great, they watch them for sexual escape. In a porn movie, there is nothing redeeming in plot, musical score, scenery, cinematic excellence; or, anything else for that matter! The constant filling of my mind with hardcore slimy pictures and videos did not give me a rich fantasy life but it did turn my mind into a sewer. I Over the years I grew to need harder and harder pornographic images to find satisfaction. I have seen things that no one should see. I learned that a person will becomes obscene the longer they watch obscenity.
I reasoned, “…Porn keeps me from cheating on my spouse.”
I never technically cheated on my spouse–at least the way the law would define it. I never found another woman and had sex with her. In many ways, my behavior was far worse than an actual affair. My attention was never with my wife and I began to feel dissatisfied with her sexually. When I had sex with her I was imagining someone else. I was truly absent emotionally while using her physically. I spent large sums of time, mental and sexual energy with porn. Today, I see this as a form of cheating. It’s an emotional affair. I took what belonged in our relationship and channeled it elsewhere–and if that’s not cheating, what is?
Porn is a form of cheating. It is turning to other people, who are willing to be our stimulus for satisfying our lust, for sexual release and mental escape. It is cheating because it replaces reality with a fantasy. Porn is a form of cheating because it takes was meant for sharing with my spouse and gives it to others.
My Conclusions
After 15 years of unrestrained porn activity and almost two years of absolutely no porn activity, I’m very clear about all of this. Porn did not make my life better. The advantages I thought would find never materialized. Any physical release that I had was short lived and followed by a world of pain later. It all but killed my soul and wrecked my marriage. For me, it was nothing more than an empty promise and a colorful lure that took me down a path of heartache and pain that I never dreamed would happen to me. I wish I could undo those years–the pain, the images I burned into my head, the emotional distance I created and the anger and resentment that begin to overflow in my life. No, I see nothing about porn that I could recommend to anyone!
