Am I really that sick?
Last week a young man was sitting in my office. He’s a young college man, about 19 years of age and seems to have everything in the world going for him. He has exceptional good looks, great health, intelligence, and before long will have a college degree. So what’s wrong? He’s also addicted to porn and says that it’s been a problem for him for the past eight years. According to his story, he’s tried to break this habit on numerous occassions. He’s made numerous promises to God and himself, stopped cold turkey a number of times, and once talked with a youth pastor. Because he’s a religious guy, he feels miserable and believes that he’s let God down. I asked him if he’d ever thought about joining a support group. He replied, “I have, but I’m not sure I really belong, I don’t think I’m as sick as they are.” I think every person who has ever fought an addiction can relate to the statement of that young man. To us our addiction is more of a pesky problem than a serious illness of the soul. Denial keeps us from admitting we have a problem and doing what we need to do in order to get better.
How sick to you have to be?
It was really obvious to me that this young man had been suffering. To my way of thinking, he had been robbed of a happy adolescence. Since age 11, he had been fighting this struggle by himself. He had not dared to tell his parents or share his secret with a friend. To complicate the matter, he confided that he felt condemned by God and never felt as though he was in good standing with his creator. It was so obvious to me that he needed help. He had been suffering emotional trauma for eight years and had never been able to have peace in his life; yet, he had not yet put together that his emotional suffering was reason enough to seek help.
I relate to his story. My marriage was falling apart, I had been struggling for 15 years with porn and sexual compulsions that I couldn’t stop–all the while thinking that I would be able to solve it “one day.” I felt condemned by God and always believed that people wouldn’t really like me if they knew who I was on the inside and my secret addiction.” Like the young man above, I was very concerned about what I was doing, but I didn’t think I was “all that sick.” The young man’s story and mine are not really all that unusual. Every sexually addicted person I have met had doubts about the seriousness of their problem until their lives came crashing about them. This inability to comprehend that our lives are not working is known as denial.
The power of denial
How is it that so many of us cannot see that we have a serious problem? The answer is in the power of denial. Denial is the refusal to acknowledge the existence or severity of unpleasant external realities or internal thoughts and feelings. According to Psychologist Dr. Beverly Smallwood, denial usually takes one of five different forms:
- Denial that you even have a problem.
- Minimizing the problem and saying it isn’t significant.
- Denial that you have options available to allow you to change.
- Denying that you have a personal ability to change.
- Saying You’ll take care of your problem sometime later.
Why we choose denial
Psychologist say that denial is a defense mechanism. According to Psychologist, Dr. Pat Saniety, defense mechanisms are strategies used individuals to cope with reality maintain his/her self -image intact. While a healthy person will use many different defenses throughout life; a defense mechanism becomes pathological when it is used persistently and leads to maladaptive behavior to such a point that it threatens the physical and/or mental health of the individual.
Why do people deny they need help? There are many reasons for denial in addiction. One reason is that people generally do not like to feel helpless and out-of-control and this is particularly true for a sexual addict. The addict will blame everything and everyone except their own acting out for their problems. Another reason is that the addict may be their sexual compulsions to cover up or numb unpleasant feelings and by stripping away the denial (the sexual acting out) the unpleasant feelings will come to the surface. For more on this subject, visit here.
Facing up to our problems can be painful. Our egos don’t like admitting that we face a problem that we cannot handle. And, if we admit that we have a problem, we may well be faced with the unpleasantness of having to do something about a situation that is beyond our abilities to fully comprehend. It is easier to deny we have a problem than admit that we face a problem that exceeds our capacity to solve. The longer we live in denial, the worse our problem will become. Soon, we will be faced with undeniable evidence that we have a problem.
Other reasons for denial
Another reason we sexual addicts wonder if we have a problem that is all that serious is because we know of other people whose problems are worse than our own. The porn addict knows people who visit strip clubs, physically cheat on their wifes or visits prostitutes. There is always someone who is worse off than ourselves.
Bottoming Out
The final stage of addiction is often called the ‘Life Breakdown Stage‘ because here the addicted person’s life will literally start to break down under the tremendous stress caused by ever-increasing pain, anger, and fear that results from continuously acting out. There is a point where a person emotionally, mentally spiritually, and finally, physically breaks down under the stress and pain produced by the addiction.
By this stage, acting out no longer produces much pleasure. Preoccupation and acting out still produce a mood change, but by now there is too much pain to escape from. Although the addicted person feels more distance from pain while acting out, the pain’s presence is now almost always felt.
It is time to admit you have a problem
If you have been struggling with porn for more than a year, it is time to admit what is obvious to everyone but yourself–you have a problem. No one likes to admit that they are different than those about them; but, the only way to get better is stop living in denial. You can always compare yourself to someone who is worse off that you–but that will only delay your healing. You can minimize your problem or tell yourself that you will take care of it “someday.” The truth is, if you are using pornography on a regular basis then you have a problem that affects your self-esteem, your relationships, your thinking, and your soul. The longer you delay doing something about your sexual compulsions or addictions, the closer you will come to emotional ruin. There are those of us in the Purity Project of Oklahoma City who personally know many people whose lives have suffered greatly because they kept minimizing the seriousness of what they were doing and procrastinating about doing something about it.
It is time for action
There is no time like the present. Taking care of your addiction is a s simple as admitting that you need help and would be willing to do what it takes to get better. We here at the Purity Project are here to help you take those first steps.
